Thinism

“You’re so fat, you must eat a lot.” Are you cringing? You might be because nobody with a speck of sensitivity would every utter those words. On Friday I read a post on Erica Sara’s blog that got me thinking. Erica wrote about a recent experience that was rather hurtful. Someone said something to her about her eating and her size. This person didn’t know Erica personally. They didn’t know about Erica’s marathon running or her cooking. They didn’t know that she practices yoga. They probably didn’t know how much their words would sting. They might have thought the rules were different because Erica is a thin person.  Somehow, “you’re so thin, you must not eat” is acceptable. Why is this?

I see nutrition clients all week long at my NYC office. Oftentimes, in initial sessions with new clients I’ll hear “you don’t have to think about this because you’re thin.” Or “it must be nice you don’t have to workout.” Or my favorite, similar to Erica’s experience “do you eat?” I know full well these clients wouldn’t probe similarly with a doctor or therapist or other professional who was heavy. Over the years, I have grown thick-skinned to these types of questions. I used to feel embarrassed and utter some incoherent, self-deprecating reply. Now, I generally say something like “I practice what I preach” or “I work hard to stay in shape” which generally reassures them.  I am less offended by comments about my size than the insinuation that there’s no work involved. I think there’s a way to be curious about someone’s size without being critical. “What do you do for exercise?” Or, “do you watch what you eat?” are better ways of saying the same thing.

It’s unfortunate but we all size people up. We look. We look when someone’s very heavy and we look when they’re too bony and we look at people somewhere in the middle. I know full well from what I do that you can’t judge someone’s success or peace of mind by their weight and that feeling good in your skin doesn’t have a size. I also feel it’s probably harder to walk in an obese person’s shoes than in my shoes. Overweight people are the subject of more ridicule than thinner people.  I just don’t think it’s ok to be mean.

Why do you think sizist comments are more acceptable when the recipient is thin? Why do you think people make comments like the one that hurt Erica? Has anyone said anything inappropriate to you about your size? Is it ever appropriate to say anything?

P.S. Not only was Erica the author of our Pot of the Week post, she makes amazing jewelry including my “race bling” marathon necklace.

Moms Work More, Kids Weigh More?

I love a good lead.  I was sitting at my desk early one morning, preparing for clients, when I received an email with the following in the subject line “I look forward to you debunking this (because I think it’s crap).” Now if I love a good lead, I love a good debate even more. I clicked through and found a story that has caused quite a commotion in the blogosphere. A study published in the Journal of Child Development found that there’s a correlation between mothers working and higher BMI for their children. Translation working mothers have heavier kids.

Patience isn’t a virtue I naturally possess and when irritated I have difficulty disguising it but my first reaction to this wasn’t anger or even surprise. I have an unusual schedule in that some days I work early and I’m home to make dinner and do homework. Other nights, I am in the office until 7:30pm. There is a distinct difference in the 2 scenarios when it comes to my children (similar ages to the children studied by the Cornell team).  On the nights I’m home, I am there to make dinner. I have time to make sure the kids start homework early enough and get to bed on time. On my late nights, it’s all a rush. Dinner (though we’re talking Applegate or Amy’s) may include a convenience item and bedtime can easily be delayed.  My children are far from obese and I’m a nutritionist but I get it.

Much of the outrage stemming from this story had to do with finger pointing. After all, children’s weight is affected by many factors: activity level, food choices, sleep, and genetics to name a few. So why “blame” mothers when this is likely a more complicated issue? This reminded me of a conversation I had when my 8 year old was a baby. I called my mother for advice, I was upset and complained, “why is everything on my shoulders? I work but still have to grocery shop and organize Louise [babysitter] and put Myles to sleep, Marc just has to go to work.” I happen to have a very helpful husband but when it came down to childcare, things weren’t even-Stephen. My mother said “you’re lucky, Marc is hands-on but there is only one Mother.” As Oprah would say, it was a “light bulb moment”.   The reason a father’s working status isn’t mentioned is because feeding children and all that goes along with it continues to be more the mother’s “job”.

With slightly over 70 percent of mothers working, the question is what to do with this statistically significant link.  Mothers need tools for timesaving meals they can perhaps make on the weekend. Additionally, perhaps kids can sign some sort of pledge limiting TV or video games when their parents are at work. And parents, mothers and fathers, need to get home whenever possible so as not to disrupt bedtime.  In my eyes it comes down to time and not neglect or guilt or blame. Anything you’d like to “debunk” in this study?What emotions does it evoke in you? Did the bulk of “feeding” responsibility fall on your mother growing up? Is that different from your current situation? Does the 70% statistic surprise you? Let the debate begin.